Tag Archives: first love

Lustful, Youthful, Perdition

An old picture, 1995, sophomore year.

She is in a lacey and big, white dress,

with black stockings and Converse sneakers.

Her light brown hair is a short, spiky, pixie cut.

Her dark eyes have the fire of lustful, youthful, perdition.

Her lips pale, unadorned, and set against the world.

That long ago afternoon, that first warm, bright day,

March, on her birthday, skipping school to have fun.

Catching a movie. Walk and talking and scheming.

The park, with only us, and a mother and her toddler,

far away. We sat by the creek, passed cigarettes.

Ate some snacks we brought in my backpack.

Just a simple day, with a girl I loved, without a care.

The air and the sun and the sky were weightless.

School, and that we’d have to return tomorrow, not on us.

Driving me home, a song played that said all I felt for her.

She was not in love with me, but I was honored to be with her,

to be her friend, to share a day like that, floating to the sky.

All these old feelings coming back, all these bittersweet hurts.

Hadn’t thought of her in so long, she who was the queen of my hopes.

I don’t know how it all turned out for her. Where she is now.

I look at the picture, from when everything was on fire and bright,

when it all seemed possible and so close, and magic was in every spring,

and all you needed was love, and a kiss, to open the gate to heaven.

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Sacrificial Delight

The desert coast, the melting, technicolor sunset.
The derelict bus was burning. Sacrificial delight.
In your robe like white dress you danced and laughed.
We were high. We were touching the stars. We were free.

Long, thick black hair and dusky skin, eyes brown like moist earth.
I filmed you, they eye in eye seeing you, youthful and beautiful
and with the starlight of Alpha Centauri shining through you,
were you soul was forged eons ago in fire and an angel’s breath.

The stars were coming out, and you smiled at me, and I captured
it all, all the dreaming and madness and endless nights of love.
The derelict bus burned and we were high and we were free,
and I could into the very center, where that shard of a star was your heart.

Goodbye my lover. In heaven we will be free and bright again……….

 

Embraced By The Sun

Over the Rockies from Denver, as winter came,
and the snow began to fall, wispy and delicate,
down to San Diego, to the sea she never saw.
She was a high school girl I loved so tenderly.
We’d talk between classes, at lunch, study hall.
Sometimes she’d hug me. Like being embraced by the sun.
All those years ago she was killed. I watch the light go out.
No reason at all, other than someone else was cruel.
They said God made her a martyr. It was a lie after the fact.
Still, the ache hurts and is sweet and is filled with venom.
The memories of her touch softly, and leave burns on me.
I promised I’d see the ocean she never saw, wanted so badly too.
I sit on the beach, morning cool, salty and harsh wind coming.
I see a girl there by the water, wrapped in a blanket, looking at sunrise.
I don’t know if it’s her, or my broken heart’s wish for a better world.

Ellen Is In Love


The Last Moment Untroubled

We were teenagers, wild and open, children of the sun.
We were lying together in a field, tall grass a veil of the
sky.
We were teenagers. The love song that was our was playing
on the little radio, the world conspiring to reveal all our
heart.
We were teenagers. We kissed and cuddled and laughed.
We pledged our hearts, in innocence and freedom, no fear
at all.
We were teenagers, and knew not, that this was the final
moment of unclouded peace and bliss and wonder for us
in this world.
We were teenagers, and over the sky jet fighters howled
like banshees, cracking open the world and making us cry
out in fear.
We were teenagers, and the evil and brokenness of  men
and of  this world had found us, and this, this holy day
was our last as children.

The Sweetness There Was In The Stars!

The rain is the only soothing thing in the night.

               Maybe I’ll turn on the radio to the classical music

               Or the sappy love songs that let me dream of

               A sweeter, more beautiful world.

 

               These nights when I cannot sleep, full of dread,

               And regret but not the tears that could wash it

               Away and let me begin again.

 

               Way back in sophomore year, before I pulled

               A Lucifer and fell from grace, pulled and Eve and

               Took that forbidden knowledge, I dreamed of

               Her, and my heart was full of wonders.

 

               I stayed up all night, playing that song on repeat,

               That made me feel the warmth of her, the light of her

               On my heart even when though she wasn’t there,

               Just conjuring the life I wanted to live with her.

 

               What wonders the world and love held then!

               What sweetness was there in the stars!

 

               All these years later, the night is bitter as almonds,

               And it’s hard to find sweetness in the life I’ve come to.

               Scraps of the otherworld that use to come so easily.

 

               I turn on the sappy love songs, trying to call that girl back,

               To call back my own innocence, and sweetness of youth.

              

               I hear that song that I made a hymn to her.

               Finally I find some peace, and some sleep.

 

              

 

A Change of Season

Mussy, short cut hair, and those bright blue eyes.

               Too large flannel, long sleeved shirt, dark colored tee.

               Fading denim jeans, and worn out Converse high tops.

               First of autumn, evening coming crisp as dry, dead leaves.

 

               My palms are sweaty, and I’m hot despite the cool air.

               The stars starting to bejewel the blood velvet of sunset.

               You smile, but don’t look at me, as I try to gather my nerve.

               My hands tremble, and the damp smell of leaves is sweet.

 

               I take your hand in mine, and squeeze. You sigh, turn to me.

               We face each other, eyes bright and clear and as open as the sky.

               I stroke your cheek, and you close your eyes, lean into my fingers.

               Leaves fall and the trees die back, but life is ever bright and warm.

 

               Unsure, I lean forward, our lips touching, and you kiss me back.

               My hand on your cheek, your fingers stroking my curly, wild hair.

               I am warm like I swallowed the sun, wrapped in eternal, divine light.

               The season has changed, light in the dark, as we walk hand in hand.

Seeds of Paradise

Sunday clothes, white blouse, woolen skirt, Mary Jane shoes,

               honeyed hair hanging down, around your neck a silken bow.

               You wait to walk with me to church, as morning chill blows,

               the seeds of paradise in the afternoon we carefully sow.

               Parents are following later, we walk alone the ruttend lane,

               carefully to keep our shoes out of the water and the mud.

               Warm and sweet I feel, yet taught for this The Savior was slain,

               and that our sweetness still calls for the tide of his blood.

               You take my hand in yours, warm yet calloused, harsh like silk.

               Our secret thing, our shared sin, to touch while out of sight.

               God watches, but will he let it go, for this is our soul’s milk

               and I feel so holy and sure, when she holds my hand so tight.

               The little wooden church, white against the grey and blue sky.

               The stonewall seperates us from God, the sacred from the profane.         

               You let go my hand. You smile at me secretly. We are so sly!

               I see only beauty and love in you, but God said there is always a stain.

               We sit down on a pew together, as the sun pushes away the clouds.

               The dim sanctuary becomes as honeyed as your long, silky hair.

               The glow and light of the sacred words the holy books enshroud.

               As church begins, we sing the hymns, our loving hearts a pure prayer.

              

Queen of February

Kiss, kiss,
outside the door.
That song.
That song that’s ours.
It echoes out.
The night is cold.
Flurries make sparkles
in your black curls.
A day so sweet.
The universe spinning.
The moon whispering.
Stars falling at your feet.
I held your hand.
I put my arm around you.
My heart roared.
My soul burned.
You are mine.
I am yours.
Outside the door.
Kiss, kiss.
That song.
THAT SONG!
Echoes out the door.
Goodnight.
Queen of February.